Your IT change failed.
We'll tell you why.*
Root Cause: TBD instantly generates an enterprise-grade explanation for any failed change, deployment, or migration. Accountability, automated.
*Explanation is statistically indistinguishable from the real one. No actual root cause analysis is performed, in keeping with industry standards.
Everything you need to not fix anything
A complete incident-attribution suite, built for organizations that value the appearance of resolution.
Sub-second attribution
Why spend six fiscal quarters on a postmortem? Get a plausible cause before the bridge call even starts.
Zero accountability
Every finding is blameless, vendor-neutral, and conveniently impossible to act on. Compliance-friendly.
Executive-ready
Outputs paste cleanly into a single email with the subject line "FYI." Leadership alignment guaranteed.
Three steps to plausible deniability
Our patented* pipeline turns any failure into a finding nobody can argue with. (*patent: TBD)
Detect the failure
Something broke. You don't need to know what — that's the whole value proposition.
Spin the analyzer
Our engine correlates logs nobody read and consults the rollback prayer in real time.
Attribute & move on
Receive a confident root cause, copy the link, and close the ticket. Status: Resolved.*
Plans for every blame budget
All tiers include unlimited excuses and exactly zero corrective action.
Individual Contributor
- Unlimited diagnoses
- Copy-to-clipboard
- Community blame
Team
- Everything in IC
- Shareable deep links
- SEV-1 by default
- Friday 5 p.m. scheduling
Enterprise
- Everything in Team
- Dedicated scapegoat
- SharePoint integration*
- Air-gapped from reality
The documentation existed
It was just outdated, inaccurate, and stored in a SharePoint site called "Archive_Final_NEW."
Is any real root cause analysis performed?
No. That would introduce accountability, latency, and difficult conversations. Our findings are generated instantly and are statistically indistinguishable from the real explanation.
Can I share a specific finding with my team?
Yes. Every diagnosis gets a unique deep link — hit "Copy link," paste it into the email with subject line "FYI," and you've completed your communication plan.
What is your uptime guarantee?
We guarantee uptime statistically similar to your last change window. The status page is currently degraded, which we consider authentic.
Do you integrate with our existing tools?
We integrate with hope, caffeine, and a heroic misunderstanding of dependencies. A SharePoint connector is "almost done" and has been for six fiscal quarters.
Who owns this application?
The owner left the company in 2018. The application, however, remains emotionally attached to the network.